A Mother's Happiness and Anguish
by SatangCandy777
Summary: If I had chosen my fate as a medicine cat, would my kits still love me of who I am? If I never met Crowfeather, if I became a warrior, will this fate ever  allow me break into sorrow or happiness?
1. My Kits

**Note: This is a fanfiction story, so everything except for my story is credited to Erin Hunter. This story involves at how Leafpool might have feel before, when, and after she had kits. It's fake, so do not think this as Erin Hunter's story.**

I never thought that my own daughter, my former medicine apprentice- my brave and loyal she-cat, hated me. Jayfeather and Lionblaze were uncomfortable with it, but they decided to live with it. Hollyleaf was different. I remembered her and her littermates, newborn kits, weak and frail, and yet, _beautiful_.

But the kits were different. Most kits were born to queens and toms that are from the _same_ Clan. Crowfeather, was from WindClan. And I… I am from ThunderClan _and _I'm a medicine cat. Medicine cats are strictly forbidden to have mates or kits; it might keep them from healing other cats. I had never thought of having kits. When I discovered that I was having Crowfeather's kits, it was like both a dream and a nightmare. I tried to tell Crowfeather, but he rejected my words. Pain, not physical, but emotional pain entered me when I realized that I wasn't the only ones having kits. His mate, Nightcloud, had his kit. I never really liked her. She was aggressive to me at the last Gathering. How would it feel like if Crowfeather was torn between the Warrior Code? Bitter anger? Sorrow? What?

Like a light shining in darkness, Squirrelflight came. Of course! She has a mate from the same Clan as us! She can take my kits when they are born. But how? Without anyone noticing my swollen belly? Another problem is to deliver my kits. I know how, but Squirrelflight will never be a true queen, she cannot bear kits or produce milk. Only I can. But how can I stop my milk from stopping?

I had to ask Brightheart to take care of Molepaw when he got sick. I had to go talk to Littlecloud; he might know how to stop my milk from coming. By the time I came to ShadowClan, Littlecloud was suspicious when I asked him my desired question. His answer: Parsley. Parsley? Where can I find it? It took me the whole sunset to find a bunch of them. By the time I came back, Molepaw was even frail and weaker than before! I tried to give him helpful herbs, but they didn't work. My horror came like claws ripping my heart when he died a few days later. I took it as an omen from StarClan.

Now I see why it's strict for medicine cats to never have kits. Other cats can die, too. Sorreltail was anguished, but not even the best and powerful medicine cat can revive the dead. After Molepaw died, I quickly and secretly hid my mouthful of parsley inside a leaf and put it in my storage. Another few days later, a storm came, causing rain to fall into my storage. It soaked few, useless herbs, but it managed to tear the parsley that I saved up. I had to go near the WindClan border to collect it. I heard lightning flashing near the ThunderClan border. Great StarClan! Once I managed to get enough parsley, I quickly rushed towards my Clan. My belly slowed me down, but I never took a break. I feared that another cat would get injured or worse, die just like Molepaw.

I was too late.

Brackenfur told me about a border patrol consisting of Rainwhisker, Cloudtail, and Cinderpaw. The lightning that I just saw made a tree branch fall on Cinderpaw. Rainwhisker sacrificed himself to save Cinderpaw by pushing her away. When the branch fell, his last breath was already gone. The warriors were already sitting in vigil with his body. Sorreltail was in deep pain, and I tried to feed her thyme, but I accidently gave her borage. When I looked at my mistaken herb, I felt guilt ripping me like dog fangs. Another cat died because I had kits. Is this another omen from StarClan?

My kits were arriving soon. Cats were suspicious of me when they see my swollen belly. When Firestar announced that Squirrelflight was having kits, I saw Sandstorm's pride, Firestar's happiness, and Brambleclaw's love. Ashfur had a grim look on his face, but nothing else. All the happy faces, they made me choke in sorrow. Why did I lie to them... _WHY_

I had little time to prepare. I had parsley, everything ready. However, my kits will die if only they have milk. Squirrelflight cannot produce milk. How mouse-brained I was! Borage cannot help her produce milk. Nothing can! A miracle came when Ferncloud had kits again. They might be born after a few days later when my kits are born, but it's a risk I have to take. Before they were born, I glanced at my swollen belly. If I were a warrior, would happiness come? And even if I don't fall in love with Crowfeather, can I cherish the joy or detest the pain?

Suddenly, a rushing emotion came through me. Even if my kits never learn that I was their mother, I will always love them. At first, I was reluctant to give my kits to my sister, but if I don't give my kits, everyone will find out. Pain woke me up when I slept during a cold, midnight sky. The sun wasn't even up yet.

It is time.

Squirrelflight was waiting as if she awaited my kits. It was a hard birth. I always knew that giving birth to kits was hard and painful, but I never expected to hurt _this _much. It hurt even more than the badgers that attacked our camp. My sister helped me deliver the birth. It was difficult to clench my teeth from yowling, or else every cat can hear my voice and find out about my secret. Remembering what my mother told me when I was a kit, she said that the bravest and strongest cats come from she-cats delivering kits for the first time. Perhaps she was right.

Perhaps I am the strongest cat right now.

It felt like moons before the pain broke away slowly. Squirrelflight had a gleam of pride and joy at her gaze. I turned my head to see her gaze and gasped.

Two toms and a she-cat. The toms were tabbies and the she-cat is a black cat. The biggest tom had golden fur and his brother had gray fur.

They were whimpering for milk. I knew that Ferncloud's kits and milk will not come until a few days later. When Squirrelflight gave me the bundle of parsley, I rejected. If I want my kits to stay alive, then I must give them my milk. While they were suckling, me and my sister were fondly staring at them. I recognize the black coat of Crowfeather on the little she-cat. How precious they are...

Light rays suddenly flashed inside my den as I looked up. Sunrise was arriving. So soon? Shadows were dancing in the warriors' den. I have no time. I told Squirrelflight to take my kits into the nursery. Ferncloud and Daisy should still be asleep. I cannot move my body, fires still burn inside my belly. Glancing at the bundle of parsley waiting for me on the ground, I was about to eat it, but another mind came to my mind. If I eat the parsley, my kits will die since Ferncloud's kits are not coming yet. I decided to not eat the useful herb.

The other cats were overjoyed that Squirrelflight's _kits_ were born. Happiness flashed in every face to those who visit there. Only Ashfur never came inside the nursery. But everytime I visit the nursery, I feed my kits milk, even though it was difficult to keep the others from watching. I would always tell Daisy to take Ferncloud for a walk since it will keep her healthy whenever I sneak in to feed my kits. But that was a lie.

A few days later, Foxkit and Icekit arrived. Now that their mother can produce milk, Squirrelflight asked Ferncloud to feed my kits since she cannot produce milk. Ferncloud was suspicous, but she accepted. When that happened, I quickly rushed towards my den and ate the awaited herb. After I ate the parsley, Squirrelflight came in, with my kits! They already opened their eyes. I was astounded to see my kits with such strong legs! Pride flowed inside my heart. As I leaned toward to smell them, Squirrelflight asked me a question.

"What are their names?"

I froze. Why am I so mouse-brained with my kits? I looked at my sister's emerald eyes. There was no right or wrong answer to this question. I thought quickly. Then it hit me.

"The golden tabby tom is Lionkit, the black she-cat will be Hollykit, and the gray ta-" I stared at the smallest kit's pale blue eyes. They were pale, but far too pale...

He is blind...

"The gray tabby will be..." What is his name? I can't give him a regular name. He might get suspicous when he grows up until he realizes he is blind.

"The gray tabby will be... Jaykit." Squirrelflight glanced at my kits, then altered her gaze at me and nodded. She herded my kits towards the nursery. I watched them walk, their tails high in the air...

If I was only with them...

No... My duty as a medicine cat and my kits are both important. But which destiny will I choose?

I stared at the starry, bright stars clinging on the night sky. Was my decision a rightful decision?


	2. My Punishment

I didn't know if I made the right choice.

When I discovered the black tuft of fur on Ashfur's body, I recognized who it was that killed him. There is only one pure black cat that lives in ThunderClan.

My own, very daughter.

My body absorbed the anguish and disappointment that it can get. My own daughter _murdered _her own Clanmate. It was not her fault. It was my fault that this happened. But why did she kill Ashfur?

Oh StarClan... is this a punishment? I didn't feel like a cat. I also didn't feel like a medicine cat or a mother.

I felt like an outsider.

Jayfeather was acting suspicous to me. When he asked a question about parsley, I felt my body froze. Why did he ask a question like that? No... Impossible...

Did he learn about my secret? That I was his real mother? If he did, then would he have loved me or detest hate me? It felt like ice and fire that I'm sad and happy if he and his littermates discovered my secret. Perhaps it was the same for every she-cat with her kits. Perhaps they love each other...

I was wrong.

Hollyleaf demanded me to tell her about her parents, her _true_ parents. I countered her question with another question about Ashfur. She froze. Obviously she didn't want to be known as a murderer. But she continued to ask me about her parents. I had to think carefully about the true answer. Would Hollyleaf love me or hate me if I told her that I'm her mother? She is a good cat and she is very strict when it comes to the Warrior Code. But will her devotion in the Code break both of our hearts or bring us happiness?

None of those answers are correct.

When I told her that I was her mother, it broke my heart, but not Hollyleaf.

She was so incredibly angry and shocked that she was born to a medicine cat that she went off storming. Anguish broke through my body and all my hopes for my kits to love me melted quickly. Oh StarClan, perhaps this was truly my punishment...

However, Hollyleaf wasn't the only one to discover my secret. Jayfeather sought out the strange herb found on Mousefur's tansy, which was parsley. Unlike Hollyleaf, Jayfeather felt uncomfortable with it, but he didn't seem angry with me...

I'm pretty sure that either Hollyleaf or Jayfeather would tell Lionblaze about me. But all of them were very suspicous when Sol escaped. I didn't know who or what let Sol run off, but that was not my major worry. My kits were very desperate to find out their true father. I didn't know wether they found out or not, but if they did, I hope that they would still love me and Crowfeather.

Then it happened.

Hollyleaf gave out my secret.

When she confessed angrily about my affair with Crowfeather during the next Gathering, I felt cold darkness filling me up. How could this happen? Crowfeather refected me, _twice. _He hates me now... But we weren't the only ones affected severly. Brambleclaw was distressed and troubled with Squirrelflight. I couldn't blame them or Crowfeather or my kits.

Every cat suffered because it was my fault, _all my fault..._

StarClan, this is not yours to blame. I now see my fate. My heart and dreams broke harshly when I told my father that I quit being a medicine cat. His emerald eyes had disappointment and pain, but he didn't try to stop me. I didn't speak anymore. What's done is done. I left the Gathering silently, not wanting to hear or feel any pain from me and the Clan cats. It felt like moons when I traveled back to my camp. In my thoughts, I can feel the pain that I have caused. There's no need for sympathy.

The cats were staring at me, wondering why I have left the Gathering so early. I didn't want to tell them. My Clanmates will tell them soon after the Gathering. I was heading for my den until I remembered that I resigned as a medicine cat. Jayfeather shall take over my position. But as I came inside my den, I took a glance at my storage. Nothing will ever be the same.

_Nothing..._

Grief entered me to break down as I hung my head low. StarClan, I shall accept my punishment. If I die, it will all be over. All the pain that I've caused, the grief, the sorrow, everything will be over. I'll keep on living, suffering.

But one cat wanted me to die.

Hollyleaf, the one who hated me for being my daughter.

She forced me to eat the deathberries. I could sense her hatred for me, her emerald eyes with pain and anger, her black fur bristling with ambition...

I told her my reason to keep living, and she must've understood, since she let me pass. Oh StarClan, all this pain, I really wanted to die! But since you want me to keep on living, I can understand that.

When Hollyleaf died trying to catch a squirrel near the tunnels, I knew Jayfeather and Lionblaze were lying. Deep inside, I can sense that they think she died, but I don't think so. I hoped that she is still alive, even though she hated me.

StarClan, if Hollyleaf is still alive, then please...

Protect her...

Please, protect her...

**Note: If Hollyleaf died, I'd kill myself! I really wish that she was still alive. (Spoilers!) On the 5th book of the Omen of the Stars, the title is called "The Forgotten Warrior". Perhaps Hollyleaf is the "Forgotten Warrior"!**

**I really want Leafpool to be a medicine cat if she can. And I hope Jayfeather and Lionblaze can forgive her...**


End file.
